4/7 haha. Whiskey then pickles. It's great. Anything is better than numbness. Tell me how did I get to you? Did it take me a year or was it a momentum? Cause you're obsessed with me feeling infinite, and I'm just having another night of drunk meaningless thoughts.

4/7

nights drinking. It's been great, so far. Seems like I got myself a new group of friends to tail around and observe. Did I just say friends? I'm not sure what it is, but it seems like what they describe friendship to be. I don't know what to do to maintain it, but right now it's taking care of itself, so that's alright with me. To be continued...

Call me crazy

What is it that you don't understand when I say I need my silence?
I just need peace and quiet for a couple of days, so that nobody would bother me or talk to me;
So that nobody would ask questions. I want to be able to hear my own thoughts and walk around my house wearing whatever I want or don't want to wear.
I want to lay down on the floor in the living room and stare at the ceiling; I want to sleep on the armchair or under the table, covered in my blanket.
I want to not eat for days, just drink. I want to listen to any music, and not the kind that doesn't cause you a headache.
I desperately need a few days like that, and no, I DON'T WANT to talk about it.

Dignity and such

I suppose one could twist the story a thousand times and make it my fault, blame me, even. We all do that when we are desperate for answers but just don't get any. I suppose when one starts looking for a reason behind reason, there's always confusion. Some things are just better left the way you found them. Some people are better left the way you found them. But. There are always those that trespass. Always those who are so eager to fix you.

Somehow, I don't think that it was my pms-bitch phase that made me tell another intruder off tonight. It was my dignity, knocking on my door and asking me to take her back.

And I did.

Why the fuck so desperate?
Why so anxious to get to know me? I never understood the urgency that people have to get closer to someone. I don't understand why you wanna know the reason that I'm upset or what makes me happy. Stick around long enough, and it'll come. Oh wait, you don't do patience.

Fuck it.
I'm not gonna. What I do is underestimated ;]

Fresh start

For the longest time this blog has been my hiding place. Come to think of it, it reminds me of a dark attic. I posted everything I couldn't afford the world to know. After my last entry, I think it's time to clean this place up and get my act together. I'm ready to start off fresh.

Dear Drug,

- Hi. My name is Alice and I'm an addict.
- Hi Alice.

My God, what a beautiful feeling.
I've been trapped by your judgment and your neglect of me, your silent unjustified scorn for so long now. I've questioned everyone: my loved ones, my friends, those who just happened to be around, and of course, myself. Always myself.
Many times I've been trying to fool myself and self motivate, to become something less. Less of what I am and more of what I need to be. Needed to be at the time. It got to the point where my actions became vindictive in a desperate attempt to stop the useless pondering of the past and the overwhelming, constant flow of thoughts. That last feeling never changed. I still await vengeance and hope you are yet somehow to experience the feeling that became a headline of my 2009.
All the negativity aside, though. I've been getting better with every other day for the past couple of months. I am proud to say that I am asking for you less and less with each day. You are finally starting to leave my system and I mean, really leaving it. There is no burning feeling in my veins anymore. No sudden breath shortages and no inexplicable temptations.

I am clean for one month now.
Thank you.

- Thanks for sharing, Alice.

Don't think I completely forgot about you.
I still visit you from time to time.
But you have no idea.